Finding Confidence – The Man Behind The Idea

In September 2014 I was diagnosed with an acute auto-immune disease called Idiopathic Polymyositis. In basic terms, my immune system thought my whole muscular system was a foreign body and so aggressively wanted to get rid of it. Everything that was a muscle in my body was under attack. All of the major muscle groups. My lungs are muscles, my heart is a muscle and they were all under attack. This was a very serious illness.

The journey of treatment was a severe one. I had 12 rounds of chemotherapy to shut down my immune system, in an effort to stop the attack, whilst I went onto an intimidating cocktail of drugs to help me get well again.

It completely turned my life upside down. All the things that were important to me, all the things that were core to my identity were under attack. My identity as a man included my muscular appearance, my muscular strength, my stamina, and all were severely compromised. One of the steroid medications I was taking had the side effect of causing erectile dysfunction and so at the age of 41, I started taking Viagra.

It was a roller coaster of a journey, I felt I had lost a large part of my identity and my sexual confidence plummeted. Being single and still being a very sexual being, I was an active user of dating apps. One could say, having my physical immunity collapsed, my emotional well-being, immunity and self-defense collapsed too. Interactions on these dating platforms challenged me in ways I had never before experienced.

The constant demand for a large penis from a sexually active top, combined with my erectile dysfunction let to me developing a cock inadequacy complex and fixation. With the loss of my big musculature and the effects of my medications to my face, I began to feel supremely insecure about my attractiveness. I had become deeply insecure about myself and my sexuality. I had lost all the confidence I had built over the past 20 years, since I came out in my early 20’s. I was sad and broken.

I engaged with men but avoided physical encounters, often feeling intimidated and inadequate, incapable of satisfying my sexual partners which was profoundly important to me. 

At the same time, being completely sexually active and a total top, I joined a sub-segment of the gay community where I primarily interacted sexually with men who were completely sexually receptive, otherwise known as passive or ‘sub’.

Being a very sensual and intimate lover, whilst also a keen observer of human nature, I eagerly paid attention and absorbed the journey of those whom I engaged with sexually. Through deeply intimate interactions and encounters, many a bottom gay man revealed to me their unique journey of self-acceptance to sexual blossoming, facing not only the stigma of being homosexual but of being the sexually receptive in homosexual encounters and loving it.

Due to internalised attitudes of gay sex being ‘dirty’ some had deep anxiety about cleanliness during sex and there not being any ‘accidents’ or a ‘mess’, which would kill the mood. They felt mortification inspired by the ‘physical evidence’ that they were indeed ‘dirty’.

There were other issues that challenged their confidence as to whether they were ‘tight’ or ‘loose’,  and also concerns about which was better, almost from a moral perspective.

I did not want my lovers feeling this way.

My focus was always to reassure them and to inspire confidence in themselves, their natural sexual preferences and to thrive in them. When they fully blossomed and thrived in expressing themselves as sexually receptive, confident, then I could thrive and benefit from quality sex as the sexually active partner.

Under these circumstances a train of thought began that only grew stronger in time, as to how could I help my sexual lovers become confident and own their sexuality? How could I find my own sexual confidence again?

How could we all find our Sexual Confidence?

Slowly but surely the answer came. It was in the little things, the practical things that set the foundation for sexual confidence which led to unhindered sexual expression, which then led to full sexual satisfaction. It was in knowing that you were totally ‘clean’ so you don’t have to worry about a mess, but just focus on being open, receptive and enjoying the experience.

And in this space of thought, CONFIDENTU organically came into being, a brand whose focus was to provide the practical accessories which allowed individuals to feel confidence, to be able to fully express themselves sexually and to have great sex.